survival

2009-07-26T11:22:00.003-04:00

I have not read this blog in some time. It always reminds me of how serious I used to be. Not that some things shouldn't be taken serious, but I was obsessively driven (life or death driven) about way to many things.
I know this sounds crazy but I used to believe everything in life was very similar to surviving in the jungle (scenario) and I had to make sure everyone (my family/loved ones) (some times even outsiders) did things as I said, so things would stay safe and protected. I felt like every day was an adventure into the unknown, the best way to describe the feeling was like going into the jungle holding a rifle, hands sweating, insides shaking, hearing all these vicious sounds, stepping very carefully, watching for all strange movement, but never let the fear show.
This feeling was impossible to change and absolute control was necessary for survival.
This was a very strange feeling because I wanted to be happy and carefree but had no idea there even was a choice.
It was just a matter of unsafe circumstances that would kick off this feeling and then bam, SURVIVOR KICKS IN!
It was not a good feeling and it seems it was magnified with the use of alcohol.
I did not realize this was even something that someone had a choice about, let alone that you could actually learn anything about.
To me it was like you are born with a type of make up just like you are born blue eyes. It's not something you can change (or even want to) survival is survival, it seems easier for some people than others. For me I knew I wasn’t the sharpest pencil in the box but there was no way I could let anyone know this, even a little bit.

(to be continued)

First Blog

2008-09-16T10:49:00.001-04:00

I thought I would start of buy sharing websters listing of

DELIRIOUS

Main Entry:
de·lir·i·ous
Pronunciation:
\di-ˈlir-ē-əs\
Function:
adjective
Date:
1599
1 : of, relating to, or characteristic of delirium 2 : affected with or marked by delirium
— de·lir·i·ous·ly adverb
— de·lir·i·ous·ness noun

Main Entry:
de·lir·i·um
Pronunciation:
\di-ˈlir-ē-əm\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Latin, from delirare to be crazy, literally, to leave the furrow (in plowing), from de- + lira furrow — more at learn
Date:
circa 1563
1 : an acute mental disturbance characterized by confused thinking and disrupted attention usually accompanied by disordered speech and hallucinations 2 : frenzied excitement

I started using this handle back in 1984/85 when a friend of mine called me DELIRIOUS after having an especially fun time.

This was just after a very bad time in my life when I had what some call a breakdown.

I went into treatment and started learning things about life and myself that luckily for me seemed to sink into this thick skull.

Then I started learning to apply this learning into living. I used to think of myself as a pretty happy go lucky kind of a guy, a fun loving kind of a guy, But deep down inside I'm not so sure that was true.

I took everything so serious people, things, tasks, even statements.

When this friend made this statement about being DELIRIOUS it occurred to me that I was not so hung up at that time and just having innocent fun.

It occurred to me that if people thought of me as crazy then this (at least in my thinking) would leave me so much lattitude for fun and freedom, and it works.

I began using the name everywhere. First I named the driveway at my home as DELIRIOUS LANE, then I had a personilized license plate with DLRIOUS which was the best I could with the amount of digets the state gave me.

A girfriend of mine had an engraved wooden plaque made to hang over the entrance of my home with DELIRIOUS MANSION.

I also had a sport boat which I had painted in really big letters on the side of the boat.

And so I became known as DELIRIOUS, the crazy guy who can have fun most anywhere.

I did, I do. maybe not always, but sooo much more often then i did in my past life.

Walt

Delirious

survival

First Blog