Sunday, July 26, 2009


I have not read this blog in some time. It always reminds me of how serious I used to be. Not that some things shouldn't be taken serious, but I was obsessively driven (life or death driven) about way to many things.
I know this sounds crazy but I used to believe everything in life was very similar to surviving in the jungle (scenario) and I had to make sure everyone (my family/loved ones) (some times even outsiders) did things as I said, so things would stay safe and protected. I felt like every day was an adventure into the unknown, the best way to describe the feeling was like going into the jungle holding a rifle, hands sweating, insides shaking, hearing all these vicious sounds, stepping very carefully, watching for all strange movement, but never let the fear show.
This feeling was impossible to change and absolute control was necessary for survival.
This was a very strange feeling because I wanted to be happy and carefree but had no idea there even was a choice.
It was just a matter of unsafe circumstances that would kick off this feeling and then bam, SURVIVOR KICKS IN!
It was not a good feeling and it seems it was magnified with the use of alcohol.
I did not realize this was even something that someone had a choice about, let alone that you could actually learn anything about.
To me it was like you are born with a type of make up just like you are born blue eyes. It's not something you can change (or even want to) survival is survival, it seems easier for some people than others. For me I knew I wasn’t the sharpest pencil in the box but there was no way I could let anyone know this, even a little bit.

(to be continued)

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