Friday, March 27, 2009

Just thinking!

Again a long stretch since last submission.I was just sitting here and thinking How much my life has changed.I wanted to share a quote I read.

Man is in love and loves what vanishes;
What more is there to say?
- W. B. Yeats
This quote might be so simple yet so complex. When I was young and so self absorbed I lived my life knowing (within) I could not control the future. But trying so desperately to do just that.
The sad part of that is hurting the ones you love and who love you, thinking that control protects.
At the time I would never have admitted that I had no control or could not gain control, I thought I had and needed to maintain it.
The best way I can describe how I saw things at that time is in a little scenario like so:
I am in the jungle with my family following behind me, we need to get somewhere, I don't know where just somewhere. I am leading them, I am carring a weapon for protection and I am scared to death, I have no idea what is around the bend, but I know I must protect and defend my family. I my mind, for us to succeed in getting to where ever we are going, everyone needs to co-operate and follow my guidance or we are in grave danger.
As silly as that now sounds, I truly believe that thinking was so burned into my brain, that I could not trust anyone and believe little.
It was only when I had a breakdown 25 years ago that I came to believe and was able to let go slowly.I don't know if I will ever come to trust as much as i would like? But living life trusting in a high power is soooo much more rewarding, along with a wonderful acceptance of the world and people around us.
I have no idea how this thinking came to be, and I am sad for the people who where in my life and loved me at the height of that time. But I am grateful to have found a different way of thinking and believing.
I am sure that I would never have reached this place thru discussion or reading or TV, for me there was no one that I trusted ( I was going to also say "and respected" but i am not sure that even would apply here) for me it needed to be high impact and it was a breakdown.
I am sad when i see others going thru what is easily recognizable to me and know there is little if anything that will change there thinking.
Anyway have a wonderful day and love the people in your life.Walt


At April 4, 2009 1:35 PM , Anonymous Hot in Texas said...

Well, what a selfish way to view your past; as wll as an excuse for your bad behavior. The only good thing is that you have finally admitted that you were definitely disrespectful to your wife and children and significant other at the time. So very glad you have come acknowledge your previous bad behavior and poor judgement for your life style.


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